According to research, your seemingly innocent daily habits—like scrolling through Instagram in bed—could be destroying your marriage. The research shows that there are a lot of little things people do that can indicate serious problems in relationships.
Consequently though even if you’re having problems now, it doesn’t mean you’re headed straight to a brick wall(metaphorically spwaking). Couples are more likely to try to work things out—and break the bad habits they’ve developed—than they were even 10 years ago.
This article is for sparing you out of the esquire’s office to file for a divorce. So watch out for these four bad habits that always makes couples end in a split.
Talking Trash behind each other’s back.
It might sound like advice on avoiding high school drama, but speaking in a mean-spirited way about your partner when he’s not around is a red flag. Ladies may fall into this habit if they’re surrounded by people doing the same thing. If your close group of girl friends are constantly talking poorly about their own husbands, it may feel more normal for you to chime in and say, ‘You think yours is bad? Listen to mine.’ But in reality, it shines a light on a deeper issue. It shows a lack of respect for him and your connection, even if he never finds out and starts a pattern of negative comparisons that can lead to even more criticism and contempt. Before you know it, your relationship is in a fast, downward spiral
Criticising what your hubby doesn’t do well.
Whether you’re remembering how hilarious your ex was—unlike your comparatively quiet husband—or wishing your guy was a door-opening gentleman like your friend’s husband, negatively comparing your spouse to others is another subtle kiss of death. Even if you’re only making notes in your mind, it can kill a relationship over time. Try to remember that the grass always seems greener because one person is never going to have e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g on your wish list. And if there’s a habit he’s developed that you’d like to address, there is nothing wrong with that—so long as you’re not ultimately trying to change who he is. Use a gentle approach, and at the end of the day, you might as well focus on the good. Your marriage—and sanity—will be better for it.
Not knowing when to press pause on a fight
Once an argument gets going, it can be hard to stop it from spiraling out of control. But disengaging makes it easier to resolve problems, because you can then talk more calmly and compassionately. If you don’t, you’re more likely to find yourselves yelling, crying, or freezing each other out—and that can have a literal effect on your body. When people shut down during conflict, it’s usually because their heart rates have skyrocketed to over 100 beats per minute, which throws you into fight or flight response. When that happens, you lose access to the part of your brain—the frontal lobe—that gives you communication skills. So sometimes you literally can’t speak coherently, even when you try. So no, it’s not a cop-out to take a break from talking mid-fight and resuming the conversation later. It can actually make the difference between a productive, solution-oriented talk, and one that sends you deeper down the rabbit hole. If it becomes a habit, that tunnel isn’t going to lead you to Wonderland, but Divorceland.
Not fighting at all
When crickets replace conversation—and yes, bickering, because no two people will agree on everything all the time—experts say your relationship could be dying a slow death. Because when you don’t even bother to bring up something that bugs you, it means you’ve stopped putting energy into the relationship and could be emotionally checking out. Now, that doesn’t mean you should be picking fights in order to show you care, but if there’s a sense of quiet resentment or ambivalence, it’s better to bring up the issue than let it simmer. Because eventually it always boils over…and so will your marriage.
